Hitch Your Wagon to a Slum

The proprietor of our beloved local watering hole is a prolific community advocate who doesn’t get enough respect and admiration for his heroic self-sacrifice.

It’s simple to perceive his generous spirit of community advocacy from the rainbow flag waving proudly outside his bar. That’s a ten dollar investment in the community right there.

This bastion of local unity and kindness of heart also provides housing for Bisbee residents via his generous act of expanding his property management company into our area. That’s the kind of charitable work only a true hero of the working class could come in from a larger neighboring city to do. We all know that what Bisbee sorely needs is more wealthy individuals to come from outside to engage in property management.

Luckily, every one of these rental properties has been kept in its original, vintage condition. As a mining town with a rich history, it’s important that none of these rental properties are ever updated or improved upon in order to preserve the culture here. Faulty wiring, gas leaks, and water heaters old enough to remember the deportation march are a part of our heritage.

As a key proponent of our towns prosperity who ceaselessly gives back, managing rental properties which border on being condemned and owning the popular bar is an important way to interact directly with as many residents pockets as possible.

His interactive financial community transactions directly provide habitation and booze for droves of lucky Bisbee residents. As a provider of this service, he deserves to cruise around in that $60,000 car wearing $800 shoes. How would we do it without him?

As much of a struggle as it can be for locals to find employment opportunities, it is crucial that a landlord community advocate provides 400 square foot apartments with no climate control or proper maintenance for $1,000 dollars rent plus a $30 monthly clerical fee. That extra $360 per year for clerical efforts is well earned as it goes toward the strenuous labor he puts into cruising through the bank drive-thru with your rent money.

That’s called giving back.

As a champion of the community, it’s important to take in as much as you are able  from the locals in the form of cash so that you understand the culture. It’s also much easier if everybody likes you and you have a friendly face. Just ask Benito Mussolini.

He also sees the importance of hosting community events at the bar to foster a sense of togetherness. That way our pockets can all come together in one spot where he also sells booze. He’s a real nice guy. Super friendly and easy going. Anyone who might label him a soulless predatory landlord, or “Bisbee’s own capitalist financial black hole” would certainly be run out of town for attacking someone who gives so much back.

C’mon man. There’s a rainbow flag on the bar. He has fun, inclusive, thoughtful community events where we can all party together and pretend we’re his friends.

There’s just so much giving back that it’s hard to even quantify it. What have you gotten?